burnt chicken

The gym is a funny old place. Rife with middle-class housewives by day, using two and a half parking spaces for their SUV’s, and by evening, filled with weightlifters kindly taking time out from high-fiving their reflection in the mirror to sneer at my measly ‘workout’. It's ok Tom, just avoid eye contact, commandeer a fitness machine and look as if you know what you’re doing. But why does each piece of electronic equipment seem to be infatuated with calories? I haven’t got the faintest idea what a single calorie is worth, it might as well be speaking in Greek. Instead, just for simple folk like me, why not invent a range of treadmills, cross-trainers that tells you how many calories you have burnt in relation to what you eat. For example, if I burn the same number of calories of a chicken dinner, let that show up on the machine’s screen in its clunky, red typeface instead of a patronising message that makes you feel like a child from the 80’s, high scoring on a one-dimensional Atari shoot-em-up. This is what I want: “Congratulations, you have burnt the equivalent of a chicken dinner… 50 more calories to go for cheesecake. And nice trainers by the way.” It’s not that much to ask, surely?

mixed signals

So how does this work...I halt then drive? Isn't that what lollypop ladies are for. I don't understand.

inanimate objective

I think I need to start being more sensitive to the things in my life I’m closest to. Slouching on my bargain-basement, anti-posture armchair, those things appear to be my Dell keyboard, mouse mat and highlighter pen. (Useful for office duties, awful company however.) Each helps out when need be, all performing rather well, which I often take for granted. Take last week - I channelled a full-blown torrent of vocal abuse towards my door key, because it failed to turn clockwards when acquainted with the front door. My fault, not his. Shameful. Then again with the car radio. Numerous expletive-deletives were hollered wildly due to its inability to pick up 104.9 fm. Shame on me once more. So I see now, this no-carrot-all-stick attitude simply wont wash. In future, whenever my little helpers, as in this case, pen, mouse mat and keyboard function flawlessly, I aim to respond in kind. No more telling off, just smile, compliment and establish a reward system. The efforts of my inanimate objects shall no longer go unnoticed.

sounds like #7

police equations #1

John Constable

+

Promotion

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John Sergeant

patrick the graphic designer

You know that spec project Patrick was putting together with contributions from recent graduates and arty folk..? Yeah, No.Zine. Well, it’s all done. Three separate issues, choc-a-block with words and pictures, finished and printed by the boxload. He’s over the moon with how they turned out. And I’m glad that he’s glad. I wrote some bits and bobs for issues 1 and 2, although my haiku was rejected for the third. Bugger. But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt from the baddie in Inspector Gadget, it’s that there will always be a next time. Actually that may be sooner than later. We are thinking of orchestrating another spec project. A document full of abstract illustrations called ‘Draw More’ to give away and inspire people to, well, draw more. I’ll let you know how we get on with that.


(Duvet: Blue tartan, artist's own)

andrew the product designer

Andrew is a close friend of mine. He studies product design. He makes things. And he waxes lyrical about this “really wicked” hand-crafted contraption he and a classmate invented, each and every time we meet up at social gatherings. I do the polite thing and order every fibre in my body to appear fascinated by this project of his. Truth be told, I’ve yet to make any bloody sense of how Andrew’s moulding machine actually performs. But now I know. And apparently now the readers of designboom do too. Andrew’s machine has been showcased warts-and-all on their site, complete with a short explanation of how it all works and some rather fetching photos to match. Andrew is the one in the black top with the pink, girly hands. Nice one mate. You’ve come a long way since the days of Mr Broom’s plastic key-fobs and year 7 bargain-basement bottle openers.

turkey vs guerilla

Oooh. Nice outdoor advertising from a shady character called Ismet. Spotted on my short holiday in Turkey. Done on the cheap I'd imagine. A delightfully abstract, hand-rendered typeface that makes me ponder whether his rent-a-bike service is as quirky as his use of kerning and slapdash illustration. Only one way to find out. Text the fella (but watch those overseas charges). I'm sure he'll be happy to put us straight.

tennis etiquette

I'll probably end up doing a bunch of these. John McEnroe alone serves up enough ammunition for an entire a4 list.

Dear Satanta,

I want answers. Last time I checked, I was one of the good boys. My name was down in black and white on your list. What’s up with the disappearing act then? The word on the street is you’ve packed up and buggered off to administration. Is that near the North Pole? I’ve behaved myself and everything this year. And now you’re taking back my present or ‘package’ as your most-unhelpful little helpers keep calling it. So that's you and I finished. I no longer believe in you any more. Absolutely no way. Not a sausage. Or carrot. Or glass of milk.

Yours sulkily,

tom (aged 25 and a half)

sounds like #6

pick a colour, any colour

I saw an advert the other day. It told me about a bunch of quirky little applications you can download for your high street gizmo. I got thinking of what app I would like to see produced. Something useful, but entertaining too. I came up with a game to test overall snapping skills and attention to detail. In short, it’s a new twist on an old favourite - dominoes. But instead of matching numbers you trade in pantone colours. Here’s how it works;

~ Player 1. Take a photo of any image where two colours form a clear line through the middle of the screen (green and blue on this occasion).
~ Send to a friend.
~ Friend's left-hand colour must match your right-hand colour (on this occasion blue colour matched, white colour chosen).
~ Points out of 10 are awarded for colour matching, by the application score system (on this occasion white colour is matched, 'orrible brown colour is chosen).
~ Repeat, maybe 5-10 times and await score.