my two pence worth

Nestled on top of my oblong, charcoal television set is a green, rubber alien thing grafted to a keychain mechanism. Next to him is a micro-sized water game for simple folk who get bored in the bath, and adjacent to both lie two identical, replica cars from that 007 movie where Bond drives underwater. One black, one mustard. These four toys make up my total prize winnings in 2009 from various 2p machines in Southend-on-Sea’s boisterous arcade promenade. Each prize equates to roughly half-hour arcade time and somewhere between 6p to £4 of copper ammunition. But who’s counting?

This shared pastime of mine and the members of my social circle, amongst more conventional interests, is better known as The Arcade Olympics. Unfamiliar..? By George, you haven’t lived. I’m left with no choice but to elaborate on this casual obsession by delving into the joys of the ultimate seaside activity.

Requirements for Arcade Olympics:

1: Players - Divisible by four. Actually, four is pretty good. Choose players who are naturally unlucky to enhance your chances of winning. If you don’t have the privilege of calling on three friends, pick up a tramp on the way, toss him a mitten of change and invite him to make up the numbers. Tramps can be located outside almost every arcade establishment worldwide. But watch yourself, they smell.

2: Seaside – This is where the arcade machines live and operate. To arrive there simply look at a map of the UK and follow the quickest route by automobile. If you’re having transport trouble, go steal a Ford Mondeo from a working-class estate. Don’t worry about the consequences because before long you’ll be up to your bollocks in winnings.

3: A daily schedule – By now you’ll realize this is no Mickey Mouse field trip. Attention must be paid to what machines you play, and when. These 2p slots soak up a bundle of concentration rendering you dehydrated, which doesn’t help when the weight of the fat kid on the dance machine sets off the alarms. So keep a bottle of pop close by, allow for piss-stops and regular sunshine breaks outside.

4: Gambling – Start off with an equal amount of scratch. Get your trousers involved; use the left pocket for kitty, use the right pocket for winnings - 2ps and prizes. After 15 minutes of hard graft on each arcade machine compare notes on success rate. Swap machines. Repeat process. Don’t allow the baron spells to tempt you to splash silly money in those slots. The golden rule is always bet with your head, not above it.

All fairly straightforward advice I’m sure you’ll agree. Granted, a visit to the 2p machines at the seaside is not recommended if you are hoping to go home rich. You have every chance to reap the monetary benefits short-term and feel as powerful as Henry VIII on grocery day, but we all know outside arcade land 2ps are worthless (especially since Woolworth’s and their penny mix counter croaked it). If you want to double your money then fold it over once and put it back in your pocket, although that won’t generate the cheap thrills brought by gambling away small change and building emotional attachments to the seaside. The Arcade Olympics is a day of simple pleasures on a shoestring budget. And something to take home at the end, to nestle on top of your television.

p.s. No kicking the machines.