niceland

Some words about my long weekend in Reykjavik. Read on if a) you are thinking of visiting and want a heads up or b) you want some useful information to pass off as your own.

1) People

The locals of Reykjavik speak wonderful English. So wonderful in fact, I felt embarrassed that my futile attempt at mastering a second language resulted in a French GCSE certificate, and nothing more. Not only do the Icelandics make you feel at ease, but from my experience, they are mild-mannered and helpful too. Even a bad drunk sitting opposite us in a restaurant, in a fuzzy bear costume, had a certain charm about him.

One other thing that differentiates the nicelanders from us Brits is how names are chosen. The surname of a child is often determined by their father’s Christian name. I’ll give you a ‘for instance’: A man named Jón Stefánsson has a son named Fjalar. Fjalar's last name will not be Stefánsson like his father's, instead it will become Jónsson. Why? Because Fjalar is the son of Jón. Mental.

2) Eating and drinking

Everything, even a pint of milk, costs an arm and a leg in Iceland. For the purposes of equating foreign tariffs I always use ‘London prices’ as my benchmark (as if it were an independent currency). So if a pint of beer is over £3.50, then I believe someone’s pulling a fast one. And trust me, you really do get your pants pulled down in exchange for meat and drink. London prices won’t even touch the sides. But…service is swift, staff are happy and food is yummy.

Drinking hours, like horses, is shorter in Iceland. Nightlife begins at midnight and carries on until 6ish. Prior to going out on the town, young people get boozy at home to save a few quid, which means bars and pubs are usually empty before 10pm. Even McDonalds has decided to call it a day. The last Golden Arches restaurant in Iceland closed earlier this year due to a loss of earnings. Although I think it was it because Red Ron, illustrated below, looks like he should be on the sex offenders register.


3) Landscape

The Icelandic equivalent of Location, Location, Location would be wrapped up after 3 episodes because the baron landscape makes for insufferable living conditions. 70% of the North Atlantic Ocean’s loneliest island resembles an amalgamation of Mars and the Great Plains of America. The geysers smell of sulphur.

Contrary to the belief, a geyser is not someone who wears sovereign rings and beats the wife after downing 10 pints of Stella. Oh no. These natural wonders sit in Iceland’s molten landscape like small lava rock pools with sore heads. Every 10 minutes or so, a live geyser will bubble to the intensity of gas mark 6 before finally losing its rag and erupting with a 30 foot hot jet of water.

The icy sea is so fierce that if you were to fall in, it would be game over in less than 5 minutes. A tour guide told me that, which put me off fishing for the rest of my trip. Weather permitting, every inch of land above sea level is a treat on the eye. Giant frozen waterfalls, angular mountains, serene fishing villages and further rocky terrain are spectacular feats of nature not to be ignored by any budding photographer’s lens.


4) Activities

Other than waiting for my coat outside the Millennium Dome on New Year’s Eve 1999/2000 I have not felt the wrath of the cold so badly when snowmobiling up a glacier in a blizzard. The experience largely consisted of me navigating through endless white, thousands of feet up, while spiteful shards of snow beat me around the chops for an hour. If you can suffer it, do it – it’s highly rewarding. My bones did ache a bit afterwards.

Imagine a hot lake, in the middle of nowhere, guarded by molten rock. Throw in an adjoining health spa, some tourists and a gift shop and you have the Blue Lagoon. It’s pretty much a great big outdoor bath. An endless supply of skin cream is dispensed in obscure taps around the edge of the lagoon. Dab it on your face then rinse off after 5 minutes. Marvellous for the complexion so I’m told.

Because daylight is rare in the winter – 3 hours on Christmas day, you need to pack in all activities double quick. If you’re not so keen on bus trips I recommend quad biking up the mountains (via the main road) as a great way of discovering the island. Expect to whiz past horses, which Icelandic tour guides will rave about. Freakishly small, they are considered a national treasure. Tour guides seem to have a soft spot for Queen. Be warned.