South Africa - the bush picnic

Blanket… check. Nibbles… check. Rifle… wo wo wo buster, a rifle? Damn straight. When you’re on a game drive deep in the heart of the South African bush its essential that the wily guide and his beady-eyed tracker are packing heat. You don’t need to be David Attenborough to know that firing a warning shot at a big cat with sharp teeth that fancies you for a spot of lunch is more effective than shouting ‘Shooo!' Fortunately, the many of the animals in the bush have become accustomed to daily intrusions and tend to mind their own business, meaning the gun is never needed and the shots are only taken with a Panasonic. The larger of the bush’s residents, such as the lion, leopard, rhino, buffalo, elephant (known as the big five) will tolerate a game drive truck encroaching on their personal space providing its passengers make no sudden movements or loud noises.




Coming face to face with any of the big five is an unsettling moment if, like me, you are an acclimatized suburbanite whose only frame of reference to the South African bush is Amanda Holden kissing giraffes back to health in her on-screen far-fetched hospital home. The weaker species (those without giant claws, horns or tusks) head for the hills as soon as they spot you, which is to be expected. A herd of elephants however, will rumble right past you without a second’s thought. Noisy buggers. These creatures are the celebrities of the bush and it’s crucial to bear in mind that humans must be on their best behaviour. It only takes a highly-strung elephant to have a Liam Gallagher moment and swat you in the chops for getting in too close.




If a tracker spots an animal’s spore (which he will, they know their stuff) he will then navigate the truck to the whereabouts of the animal as if he is winding in an invisible piece of string that's tied to the perpetrator's limb. This hunt may involve pursuing an uneven dirt track, or a less comfortable and unorthodox route directly through thorn tress and clusters of branches, depending on which is quicker. After all that tracking you feel like a drink and some biscuits, but why wait until you arrive back at the game lodge. The guide and tracker unveil a specially prepared picnic of savoury treats and flavoured tea for a moment of calm. You feel such at ease that it’s tough for even a distant baboon shriek to pierce the tranquility of this precious moment.